Wednesday, June 21, 2006

To blog the unbloggable blog

This is how I do posts for The Velvet Blog: Some odd idea hits me, usually when I have no time to do anything about it. So I start a file in Blogger, write down a phrase to remind me of the idea, and hit "save as draft." Then I go back to it when I have time to write--at lunch, before work, at night, whenever.

But sometimes those draft ideas come to naught. They just linger on indefinitely, and for some reason, I hate to just delete them.

And because I love all of you so much, I now invite you in to take a look at my rejects: Blog posts I never wrote.

On Dec. 2, 2005, I saved: There is no Web site with this address, so I guess this was going to be some sort of anti-clown diatribe.

Jan. 5: Smackdown!: Gilmore Girls vs. Gastineau Girls. This might actually be funny. I don't know why I never wrote an entry to go along with it.

Jan. 27: school lunch menus. I think I saw an odd (real) school lunch menu somewhere, and it seemed like a good idea at the time to spoof it.

March 24: charlie brown teacher voice. This was going to be about how when a certain person at my office speaks, all I can hear is the wah wah wah wah sound they use for adult voices in the Peanuts specials. I decided not to do this when I realized one or two people from work read this blog. No need for blackmail material.

April 14: italics: good thing they can't read my thoughts. I have no clue what this means.

April 20: clavell: cheapest way possible. The story of my uncomfortable confrontation with best-selling author James "Shogun" Clavell in a previous job. Sooner or later, I'll probably write this.

May 19: infrequently asked questions. An idea from God Is My Codependent. The antithesis of a FAQ. Great idea, but somehow, I could never come up with enough that was funny.

May 31: "Sure, but to you, everything sounds dirty," he ejaculated. This was going to be a post filled with filthy Spoonerisms. Never got past the first one.

June 20: Ideas for sequels to "Freakonomics." Because for some reason the word "Superfreakonomics" popped into my head. But it's kind of a one-joke idea that's not even particularly funny. Besides, I never even read Freakonomics.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what the dusty corners inside my head look like.

No posts for a few days. Lotsa deadlines.


Peter said...

Please share your celebrity gossip with us. Please! I'd share mine, but I don't really have any. Okay, there is the time I saw Stephen King. He looked like some dowdy middle-aged guy you would see riding a city bus. But you probably knew that already.

Kate R said...

I love those and would be happy to wade through any one of them. Especially the dirty tom nifties (We get Boy's Life in our house and wowee! those jokes and Tom Swifties are from another more bizarrely innocent age.)

Doug Hoffman said...

Yeah, I want to hear the Clavell story, too!

"Sure, but to you, everything sounds dirty," he ejaculated. -- that's priceless.

You and your partner ever come out my way, I will make you matzoh brei, and you WILL like it. Better yet, I'll make latkes.

Jim Donahue said...

I love latkes!

ChefNick said...

Clavell, huh . . . I just posted a long comment on his IMDB page talking about how I'd volunteer to clean up "Shogun" . . . his exceedingly bad attempts at Japanese that somehow have survived multiple reprintings without comment from a single speaker of Japanese (and a few outright typos, too!)

I would dearly, dearly love to hear the Clavell story.

psycho-therapist said...

trade my dark corners for yours-
mine consist of scary dream fragments,
trying to unravel multi-dimensional dreams, unwritten missives to people i've never met, and scattered reminders to nauseum